George Michael Plans to Wham Them with Biography

Two decades after he was the pretty front man for the bubblegum punk band Wham!, it’s amazing that anyone still cares. Or rather, cares enough to get HarperCollins UK to put together a “multimillion-pound deal to pen a ‘no-holds-barred’ autobiography” as was recently announced.

The book is being called “one of the hottest remaining untold celebrity memoirs,” and, according to The Press Association, it “will cover the pop star’s personal and professional life and will hit the shelves in autumn next year.”

But, wait, wait: check this quote from the singer’s manager, Andy Stephens: “People aren’t stupid, they’re beginning to notice that the truth is more interesting than the stories the press come up with.”

While I get what Stephens is saying here, he misses one obvious point: there’s such a thing as fiction. (Easy to forget, I guess, when you’re busy flogging the past glories of a potentially paunchy middle-aged rocker.)

The singer, who was born in 1963 with the customs-agent-stopping name of Georgios-Kyriacos Panayiotou, seems to bring out the hyperbole in those around him. Take, for instance, this quote from Belinda Budge, managing director and publisher of Harper NonFiction UK. She starts off with Michael’s super powers as a pop star but then loses traction -- and credibility -- when she says that Michael’s autobiography “will be a truly authentic book -- and an exceptional one, as he’s going to be writing it entirely himself.”

So what is Budge saying here? It’s going to authentically be a book? As opposed, perhaps, to all those inauthentic books they currently publish? And, truly: is the fact that he’s writing the book -- all by himself -- actually worthy of note? Since he’s not 12, and can still make complete sentences, and his name is going to be on the cover, is it really such a stretch that he’d actually write it? Authentically, one would imagine.